(Content warning: su*cidal thoughts)

I came to Solent Mind’s Portsmouth Wellbeing Centre after my doctors’ put me in touch. It’s a good job they did, because I know I wouldn’t be here otherwise.

I went to the drop-ins at first and took part in group sessions, but now I have one-to-one support from Steve in the Peer Support team. He comes round and takes me out of the house once a week. I’m still waiting for a proper counsellor from the NHS. They have adjusted my medication, which has stopped my mind racing, but it hasn’t altered my mood.

I have not given up yet, I keep ploughing on and trying.

I have suicidal thoughts, but I won’t act on these because I have promised my wife. I’ve had to hand myself over to Queen Alexandra Hospital twice when I’ve thought about taking my own life.

My wife now has some understanding about my mental health. I talk to her on a good day but when I’m having a bad day, I can’t word anything. If I try and write things down, my mind starts going too fast and I can’t write it down quick enough. Plus I can be very self-critical and say and write derogatory things toward myself.

I even gave my wife the opportunity for a divorce because I thought ‘this is not fair on you’ but that was me pulling away from her. I don’t love myself like she loves me, so trying to grasp and repeat the idea in my head that she actually loves me, it’s hard for me to comprehend.

I used to self-harm as a teenager and still have scars. My parents didn’t know about my depression back then but they know now. I got very good at putting a mask on, which doesn’t help people.

I’ve also had support from a chap in Blackpool via Zoom. He was fantastic. I found a lot out about myself that I didn’t even know. It was worth the wait.

I need to get as much help as I can get. So every option that opens up to me, I say yes. Doesn’t matter what state I am in, I’ll come out, because I’ve got to. What you are doing is fantastic. The lists are long, but there are a lot of people needing help.

Steve told me about the Decider Skills App and courses at Solent Recovery College. I have done CBT in the past but I have aphantasia, which means I have no visualisation, so more than half the tools don’t work. Certain tools will work for certain people.

Work was always a big thing in my life – I had always worked. When I finally stopped working, that’s when it went wrong. I found out I was vasovagal and now I am on Personal Independence Payment (PIP). That’s when the suicidal thoughts came in, because I’ve always worked. I don’t like sitting around – I like to work.

I’m looking into volunteering – possibly in electronics as that’s what my career was in and I’m good at building and fixing things.

I love swimming. Physio have put me forward to Mountbatten and I’m hoping to get my blood pressure signed off by my doctor and the gym manager so I can go swimming there. I used to enjoy cycling but my wife won’t let me on a bicycle since I had a stroke in 2018.

Steve’s trying to find me some social groups that suit me – the more groups I can join the better I think. I am an introverted extrovert. It takes a long time for me to get going but when once I do, I’m like a freight train with no brakes. I am trying to be social but I find that hard. My friends ask ‘when are you coming around?’ but I don’t want to upset them because I have no filter and I might say the wrong thing. I usually come away from social situations feeling awkward. They keep asking me to come round though.

I like to be amongst bird sounds and nature. I live on a hill so walking in the countryside, away from everything, works for me.

I know where my happy place is but when I am in my bad place, I can’t even think where my happy place is. He helped me to understand why I stay at rock bottom when I hit there. But what I need to do is try to stay away from rock bottom.