On the latest episode of Let’s Talk Mate, Solent Mind’s men’s mental health chat, the group got together to discuss relationships. 

They covered everything from romantic to platonic and spoke all about building and maintaining them whilst battling with mental health problems. 

Will no one love you until you love yourself? 

The chat was kicked off with a look into the phrase, or similar phrases to, ‘no one can love you until you love yourself’.  

Loysen O’Reilly, a Peer Support Project Worker for Solent Mind, said: “I’ve been guilty of saying that, when I was younger and didn’t fully understand the context of that phrase, or the deeper meaning behind it. 

“The negative issue of that is, you’re telling someone there is something wrong with them that needs to be fixed before anyone can love them. Now looking back at it, I think it is ridiculous because you can find someone who can love you no matter what else is going on in your life.” 

Sam Clarke, Solent Mind Digital Content Creator and the host of this month’s conversation, explained: “For anyone it is hard, this idea of loving yourself, it is such a strong feeling. Especially with me who grew up with such a low self-esteem, when someone would say that to me my thought was just ‘well it is never happening then is it?’ 

“Right now, I’m comfortable with myself, but loving myself, maybe not and I don’t know if that will ever be the case.” 

Dan Warren-Holland, Programme Lead for Employment and Inclusion, added: “Love is an emotion. I think you can be kind to yourself, I think that is good advice. I think that is more practical, because love is an emotion, and you can’t put emotions into practical things.” 

Empathy and communication  

The core of the conversation was about building and maintaining relationships when you face mental health difficulties, with two words in particular coming up a lot, understanding and communication. 

Loysen said: “I think it is about understanding our partners. I like to be on my own, whereas my girlfriend likes to sit and talk about it and get it out there. That can be challenging, but we’ve been together for five years and keep getting a better understanding of each other's boundaries. 

“Communication is really important. I can lock myself in a room because I want time alone, she’s happy for me to do that. If I do that for a couple of days and I’m moping or sulking, she will come in and say ‘this is what you’ve been doing, you’ve upset me because this happened’ and I was even thinking about how I was having an impact on her.” 

While part of the discussion was framed around romantic relationships, the same things often apply to platonic friendships and business relationships. 

Dan explained: “I think empathy is a really important word when you’re trying to build a relationship whether that is platonic or romantic, you’ve got to empathise with their situation and what has come before you. 

“When you're meeting new people it is important to remember they have had a whole life of experience up until that point. If you meet someone at 30, they have 30 years of experiences that you’ve not seen so you might not always understand why people act the way they do, or what they need.” 

The importance of platonic relationships 

A lot of focus in society is put on your romantic relationships rather than your platonic ones, even in media with so much focus being on the love interest storylines in TV or movies, and therefore they can also come with pressure that could put a strain on mental health. 

The importance of platonic relationships was highlighted by Sam: “I was single for three years before I met my girlfriend, and I had so many platonic relationships which can be as beneficial as romantic ones, that would allow me to still get some of the comforts you get from relationships when I was single. 

“You can get this stuff from friendships as much as relationships, and I truly believe that a couple of my best friends are soulmates as much as my other half is my soulmates, it doesn’t have to be a romantic thing. I think people need to put more value on friendships, we put too much focus on romance.” 

Dan said: “I watched one of my favourite films the other day, ‘I love you, man’. It is the only film I’ve seen where the story is about a platonic bromance, you don’t see that, it is not put out there that men bond too.” 

If you would like to listen to the full episode to gain all the stories and advice from Sam, Loysen and Dan… 

Watch the video version of the podcast on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGFBD4cX6S8 

Or, you can listen to the audio version on your Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/69e5dgPM5EMxJMH6KlIWxS