For me, University was always meant to be the fresh start I had craved. I never quite fit in where I grew up, and all I wanted to do was get away from there, to start fresh.

That made Uni feel like the dream, but in the months leading up to that chance, the affects of the previous years of not fitting in started to take its toll. My depression which I had been suffering from since I was about 13 reached the point where I couldn’t hide it anymore.

I grew up in an area where being told to ‘man up’ was a regular occurrence, so over the course of my time in an all boys school and then going onto a male dominated football course in College, I’d almost learnt to completely shut my emotions off to the outside world.

I’ve always been an intensely emotional person, but spending most your life trying to fight that really breaks you. So most the way through my second year at College, I cracked.

I finally admitted to my parents how bad my mental health was, I left my part time job, and I wanted to drop out of college. After a conversation with my tutor, we agreed for me to do oral exams in place of my normal coursework through one to one sessions with each tutor, this would limit me to a pass but would at least meant I left college with something.

However, this wouldn’t be enough to get me to University, but maybe that was for the best. Maybe I needed time to figure my own head out. Until one day in August when everyone was getting their confirmations about heading off to University, I also received a notification that my conditional offer had now changed to unconditional.

Just a few weeks before I would have to pack up and move to Southampton, I accepted the offer and went for it, because I couldn’t let this chance for a fresh start go.

It was a sharp change that I thought would all be worth it, but my first year at University didn’t quite work out like I had hoped. It turns out that the sort of people I ended up living with and being in a social circle with were cut from the same cloth as people where I grew up. There was one friend who I lived with who I credit with the reason I survived that year, but other than that, nothing.

This is no slight on them, they weren’t bad people, just not my crowd and not what I needed for my fresh start. Again, I tried really hard to fit in, but just months after hitting my breaking point I wasn’t finding it as easy to slip the mask back on.

Before long, I was spending most of my time in my room, rarely even getting out of bed if I didn’t have lectures on. I then stopped getting out of bed for lectures, and then, stopped even getting out to eat.

As well as depression, I suffer with social and generalised anxiety disorder, and anyone who suffers with combinations of anxiety and depression knows that how the two can battle in your head.

As much as I wanted to reach out to different people to make friends, or join socials, everything in my body wouldn’t allow me to make those steps. This applied to seeking help too.

Over the course of that year: I dropped down to around 7 and a half stone at my lightest (I’m 5ft9 and now at a healthy weight of 12 and a half stone), I was self harming and regularly contemplated suicide. Going as far as to plan and make preparations on a number of occasions.

With all of this, it was hardly a surprise that I failed my year. I think I had somehow convinced myself I would blag my way through, but I certainly didn’t, not even close. Along with that came the realisation that I couldn’t hide from how I was feeling anymore, and I swore to myself that I would let people in a little more.

I would take the decision to retake my first year and try again, I now sit here with two degrees on the wall above my desk as I type. From a failed first year to a 2:1 undergrad and a Masters degree.

By no means do I want to paint those five years as perfect, I suffered through a lot of it, especially a really dark period in second year. However, with each year I found myself a little more, grew a little more in confidence and learnt to handle my mental health more.

So I wanted to share a few tips I have for surviving Uni life:

• Know the support that’s available – It is hard to reach out for support when you’re in a bad place, because it is hard to even find the motivation to search to begin with, so while you are feeling good; Check out what is available.
• You CAN get deadline extensions for mental health reasons – Some of you might read this and say “I mean, duh”, but I had no idea until I got to my Masters degree. It is by no means a perfect system, but it can relieve a little bit of pressure, so use it.
• Everyone is in the same boat as you – When you initially move to Uni, EVERYONE is nervous about making new friends, so overcoming your anxiety to reach out to people does both of you a favour. Also, more people than you think feel lonely at Uni, so never be afraid to shoot someone a message who you think is cool.
• Open communication – One thing that made my life easier as I went through the years, was when I didn’t show up for a lecture due to my mental health, I would email my lecturer and say exactly how I was feeling. I can assure you, that email will take away one anxiety from returning after an absence.
• Don’t compare experiences – There is no one way to enjoy University. Find your way and don’t push yourself to fit into someone else’s. As much as I did enjoy a drink, I didn’t like doing it every night; So sometimes I wanted to have a movie night, or everyone cook together, or go out for a lunch on the weekend.
• The mainstream isn’t for everyone – I really struggled to enjoy nights out for a couple years at Uni, until I found the alternative and LGBTQ+ scene, and that is when I found where I had the most fine. Try different clubs, bars and pubs all around Southampton; This city has something for everyone.
• Uni isn’t for everyone – When I failed my year, I had to question whether Uni was for me, I’m glad to say now it was but if it wasn’t; That would have been totally fine. Uni might not be for you, or at least not straight out of school, take a year or two out if you have to. And if you do a year, or any amount of time, and decide it isn’t for you; You haven’t wasted anything, you were just discovering yourself.