(Content warnings: su*cide attempts, self harm, alcohol, anxiety, depression)

Early life with undiagnosed BPD

From a young age, I always had really strong feelings of not belonging - feeling painfully different from the majority of other people in the way I think, my opinions, and how emotional and sensitive I can be. Due to this, I have always struggled with friendships and relationships. I got bullied throughout my whole school life which was tough and shattered my self-esteem.

I was always a shy child and in my own little world, hoping to find my place and meet other people who were like me. I remember so clearly one day at school, a group of ‘popular’ girls took me to one side and said they wanted to start something called ‘The Jasmine project’. This meant I’d have to dye my hair, wear makeup, make my school uniform look cooler and basically change everything about myself in order to fit in and be accepted/liked by them and my peers.

But even though there was a lot of pressure for me to change myself, I always stayed true to who I was and who I wanted to be, experimenting with different styles and tastes in music, which weren’t all approved by my peers (especially my emo stage).

Growing up was hard, I went straight to college from school and still felt painfully different to everyone. I never understood why I felt this way or why I was different, and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me, which was an isolating place to be. 

Getting diagnosed

After college, I set off for the University of Surrey. This was my first time living away from home (my safe place), so it was quite an adjustment. I felt very lost, isolated and homesick. I started going out drinking with my peers and acting impulsively and these behaviours led me to feeling more alone and worthless.

I saw my GP as I was feeling very low and suicidal and they diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, and I started antidepressants. As time went on, I wasn’t feeling better, and I still had a strong sense of not belonging. The suicidal thoughts and attempts, including self-harm, led to my parents bringing me back home and me dropping out of university just before I had completed my first year of studies.

When I got back home, I took some time to reflect. I knew deep down that my feelings and what I was going through had to be more complex than the anxiety and depression I had been diagnosed with. I turned to Google and searched what I was feeling - things like ‘not belonging’ - and I came across borderline personality disorder. I had never heard of this condition before but when I started reading about it and reading the symptoms, I thought ‘Wow - this sounds exactly like what I’ve been feeling and going through’.

I told my parents, and we booked a GP appointment for me. My mum came with me to support me. We told the GP that I felt strongly that I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She was quite dismissive and made a comment saying ‘well everyone has that’ but she did refer me on to the Community Mental Health Team to be assessed. I saw a psychiatrist who assessed and diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and put me on a waiting list for dialectical behaviour therapy. I’d had cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) in the past, which had helped a little with my confidence, but hadn’t helped or made a difference to the problems I was experiencing due to my BPD.

Navigating life with BPD

I think one of the hardest things about having BPD is how strongly we feel our emotions. Feeling sad can very quickly turn into feeling suicidal, feeling angry can very quickly escalate into a rage, and feeling happy can feel like a complete high.

A quote that has always stuck out and resonated with me about BPD is “People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.” ― Marsha Linehan.

Waiting for dialectical behaviour therapy was hard. I had to wait around three years in total, which I think is shocking considering I was feeling so suicidal and self-harming, but luckily I was safe at home with my parents and family supporting me. I was aware that certain behaviours I had engaged in weren’t positive and were having a negative impact on my life and those close to me, but before starting therapy I had no idea how to stop or change these behaviours. I was desperate to get help and change my life for the better.

When I finally got therapy, it was a year-long process including a group session every week for a few hours, and a one-to-one session every week (both including homework). The therapy wasn’t easy, but towards the end of the year I really started to notice positive changes and my loved ones did too, which was really reassuring and gave me hope for the future.

For a few years after therapy, I was still struggling (being in a bad relationship with a person that wasn’t right for me didn’t help) and I sought out more help. I then received cognitive analytic therapy which was helpful but didn’t have as much of an impact as the dialectical behaviour therapy. The skills you learn in dialectical behaviour therapy are tools you have to practice and keep up daily. I found this difficult as consistency definitely isn’t one of my strong points, which I’m pretty sure is down to my ADHD. Relationships and friendships have always been difficult for me with the feelings of jealousy, paranoia, attachment and the black and white thinking I experience.

There is hope

After being adamant that I wouldn’t return to university after dropping out because it was a traumatic time for me, I had a change of heart and decided to go back and give completing my degree another go. I moved to Guildford again at first but it wasn’t working for me so me and my parents decided it would be best for me to commute from our home in Bournemouth. Because it was only a two-year degree I didn’t have to be in as many days during my second year, so this made it easier to commute. I can happily and proudly say that I completed my course and graduated with First Class Honours! I still didn’t have the best time, but I’m glad I got to complete the course.

In terms of relationships, being in my last one for five and a half years (and being miserable for most of that time) I decided to start doing things that made me feel good and I started making more time for myself. During this time, I went on some beautiful walks, I joined the gym, got back into music (which has always been one of my biggest passions) and started a music artist course online. I was also studying (a new course in a new subject this time – a Digital Marketing Apprenticeship) and doing work that I really enjoyed. All these things made me feel great and more confident and I decided to step away from things, and people, that made me feel rubbish. This included ending my relationship, which was hard, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

A few years on, I am working for Solent Mind doing a job I absolutely love, I have met the love of my life who is also my best friend and incredibly loving and supportive, I am engaged and pregnant for the first time, and we are buying our own home. Life can really turn around when you prioritise yourself and realise how important and valuable you are.

I am happier than I have ever been, and whilst Borderline Personality Disorder is still very much part of me and I have difficult days and moments, I have a much better hold on it now and don’t engage with any of the dangerous behaviours that I used to. Living with BPD and several other conditions and disabilities isn’t easy but when you learn more about yourself and what helps you and makes you feel good, the bad moments can become easier to cope with and the waves become easier to ride.