(Content warnings: su*cidal ideation, depression, psychosis)

I have been on a long mental health journey, which started when I was about 8 years old. It has taken a while to arrive to where I am now, and I am still navigating life with a diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder.

Dealing with mental health challenges as a child

My first challenge was that I was put on antidepressants at the age of 14. At the time no one investigated the reasons why I wasn’t in a good place, and I continued to struggle with extreme low moods throughout my teenage years. At university I was struggling with suicidal ideation, self-destructive behaviour and wildly hypomanic episodes. I couldn’t sleep, I would act impulsively, and I would say and do some very ‘interesting’ things. At this point, I believed that this high mood version of myself was by far preferable to my depressed state, but my mood fluctuations meant that I felt unacceptable to others, and certainly never felt like I fitted in.

I was never offered any support, even when I was in my most self-destructive phase. I received plenty of judgement from medical professionals however, which made me feel totally isolated.

Hiding my authentic self

I continued to experience extreme low moods, hypomanic episodes, and began to recognise that, rather than being crazy, I might in fact be unwell. I didn't have time to be though. I worked as a teacher and learnt how to hide my true feelings to get through each day.

In September 2016, I experienced my first psychosis, and I was admitted to a secure psychiatric unit. I realise now that I should have taken time out to figure out how to get better, but, on new medication – antipsychotics, and yet MORE antidepressants – I decided that I had to pretend nothing was wrong and return to work.

Getting diagnosed

In January 2017, my world just crashed in on me, and I was readmitted to the unit. This time things were looked at in more detail. I was put on mood stabilisers and ‘bipolar’ was put on the radar as a possibility.

I was in hospital for a while, and then out of hospital, I was able to attend weekly art psychotherapy, which was fantastic. I also saw a great psychiatrist who was managing my medication switches until the ‘right’ ones were found.

Learning to look after myself

Two years later, I realised that work was no longer healthy or safe for me, so I moved back to Southampton from London. This transition was hard. I assumed that my psychiatric care would be transferred, but it wasn’t. I eventually managed to get my GP to refer me to the community mental health team at Southampton’s College Keep, but it took seven months. As this was in March 2020, when the Covid pandemic hit, it wasn’t until June when I was able to speak to one of the psychiatrists there. A referral was written for me to attend the online Bipolar Support Group, which I knew there was a waiting list for.

While I was on the waiting list, the psychiatrist I was working with left her role, and I was passed on to another, and another, and another. Each time I was having to start from scratch when discussing my mental health. By January 2022, I was restarting yet again with doctor number six. I was at breaking point.

I decided to ring College Keep directly, and after having a face-to-face chat with someone there, I found out that although my group referral letter had been written, it hadn’t been sent. That meeting was amazing in lots of ways, however.

Getting help

I was offered peer support via Solent Mind, and even though I had no idea what that was at the time, it has been life-changing for me. I was, and am still able, to openly discuss challenges that I experience. I now feel far less alone and accepted. I have also found that having the correct medication has been immensely helpful.

My life now

I am now living with my Bipolar, and I’ve learnt how to navigate the highs and lows – most of the time! I know that it won’t go away, and that there’s no magical ‘cure’, but I’ve educated my self on the condition, which has helped hugely, and I’ve also learnt several coping strategies. I know it’s not always going to be easy, but being open about what you are experiencing – with the right people – can be empowering.

It’s been eight and a half years now since Bipolar was first mentioned to me, and my mental health journey continues. I am looked after by a Community Mental Health Team and have a designated care coordinator. I still experience episodes of hypermania and depression, but I am ‘doing life’ much better now.

Working at Solent Mind

I first entered Solent Mind’s Peer Support System in 2022, and after 18 months I started volunteering in groups. I am now very proud to be a Peer Recovery Worker myself, supporting others with their mental health.