When my nine-year-old son, Tanoa, told me he had a tummy ache and a headache before school, I knew he wasn’t being totally truthful.

The day before he’d told me that a boy had called him “useless” and a “loser”. A few days earlier another kid had called him a “cry baby”. Tanoa has always loved school and is a popular boy. So, when he turned round and said: “I hate school,” I was shocked.

It was only later that I realised that suddenly feeling disliked by other boys, felt alien, upsetting, and isolating for him.

I did guess he probably did have a bit of tummy ache and a headache and didn’t want to go to school because anxiety may have been causing him to feel physically unwell.

I pondered this and because I work part-time for Solent Mind, I realised that his mental health mattered just as much (maybe more) than his physical health.

As someone who suffers from anxiety and has seen what it does to my physical health, what kind of mum would I be, if I ignored his mental well-being and forced him to go to school when he was clearly anxious and upset?

So, I said he could stay at home but that he would have to go back the next school day. He looked utterly relieved.

An hour or so later I went up to his room to talk to him:

“Tanoa,” I said gently, “mummy knows that you don’t really have a bad tummy ache or a headache and that’s okay. I am not cross at you, but you don’t need to make up reasons. If you feel upset, or anxious because of things that are happening at school it’s important to talk to me or daddy.

“If you keep your feelings inside, it only makes them worse. When we talk about them, mummy and daddy can help.”

What he said next broke my heart.

“But mummy I am useless and a loser.”

I am biased – as any parent is, but Tanoa is funny, kind, bright, sociable and full of empathy for others. He’s always been confident, to the point of being cocky at times. This was not the little boy I knew.

Holding back my tears I decided to be totally honest with him:

“Sweetheart, do you know what? Sometimes mummy feels useless and a total loser. Sometimes mummy wants to curl up into a little ball and hide under her duvet. Sometimes, mummy thinks everyone doesn’t like her and that she’s silly and stupid.

I continued: “But I have to say to myself: ‘Rachel, this is just a feeling and not the truth. You have lots of friends who love you. You have a great job and a loving family.’

“These are facts Tanoa. Not feelings and sometimes you have to ignore the feelings and hold onto the facts.

“You are clever because your teachers all say so. Why would they say that if you weren’t? You have lots of friends. Why would they be your friends if they all thought you were a loser? And maybe you need to think about the boys who said that. Why do you think they said that if it’s not true?”

He thought about this for a while and admitted that one of the boys regularly gets beaten up by his brothers, so I suggested that maybe it made him feel better to make you feel ‘small’ like he did.

And then I suggested that the other boy was perhaps jealous of Tanoa because they were very similar and both very competitive. He agreed this was true.

I could see he was thinking about what I had said and so didn’t say anymore. I just told him that I loved him.

On Monday, he got dressed for school and was his usual happy self. I am so glad he had that day off school, and we got the chance to talk. We often forget that children (particularly boys can find it hard to voice their feelings) and may need a little coaxing.

He’s still prone to bouts of insecurity but I put it down to the onset of puberty. Harry Enfield’s ‘Kevin’ will be here soon – and that will be a whole other story.